Cetana
by Starzki
Summary: Miroku fell unconscious after sucking in Magutsuhi's poison. As he lies on the brink of death, his motivations become more clear, even to himself.


Cetana

By Starzki

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It is a little like meditation, this lack of consciousness on the brink of death. I can hear my own thoughts clearly and I feel such detachment from my body. There is no pain, only the cold and the silence that my screaming thoughts can't disturb. My mind rails against this silence. I want nothing more than to explain myself, why I risked my life for her and Kohaku.

She haunts me here.

The last thing I remember seeing before slipping into unconsciousness was the look in Sango's eyes when she saw the scar from the miasma creeping so close to my heart.

I wasn't able to resist Magatsuhi's poison of evil spirits and I am left to wonder if I will ever have an opportunity to share with Sango that I finally understand everything. I understand my role in this life. If only I could explain, maybe that desperately sad and accusing look would leave Sango's eyes, and my memory, forever.

Though she tries, Sango has never mastered the art of concealing her true feelings. Her eyes betray her every emotion and have been an endless source of fascination with me. However, this time, every flicker of hurt, betrayal, and concern pierced my heart with even more pain than the strongest poison I have encountered. Above all, I saw an accusation of the grossest infidelity I could commit. I was lying about being able to fight by her side and, as I lie here and try not succumb to the dark silence, I wonder if she will ever forgive me for my dishonesty.

I tried to explain to Inuyasha and Kagome, asking them to save Kohaku for Sango, but I had neither the strength nor the presence of mind to make my motivations truly known.

I understand. Finally. Here, in the cold silence, I find I finally have the right words that show I realize the meaning of my life.

My father, my grandfather, they did not understand. The result was that they passed this curse onward to future generations. They gave me doom. I came so close to repeating their mistakes, but I was lucky. I found friends. I found Sango. And then I understood.

I was raised to kill Naraku. Mushin taught me that to do so would honor my father and grandfather. I was taught that if I failed, I would need to ensure that another generation, a son of my own, would need to be created in order to succeed where his forefathers had failed. Mushin was wrong. My father was wrong. My grandfather was wrong. I imagine they realized their folly at this same place, on the border between life and death. Unlike them, I plan to survive and take what I learned and do something good with it.

What I have come to know is that, though defeating Naraku is right and just, having revenge as my only motivation could only thwart and impede my mission. Karma is as concerned with the motivation behind an action as it is with the result of that action. A man who provides food for the starving does a service in this world. However, if he provides food only because he wishes to brag about his own goodness and to be thought well of by others, he will not ultimately be blessed with more goodness in his own future. One must do the right thing for the right reasons in order to create good karma in the universe.

I have tried to justify revenge as a motivation for killing Naraku with the same words my father and Mushin used: that it would honor my grandfather. However, I knew I would never truly be able to justify my revenge to the universe. Revenge is like a snake eating its own tail. It never stops. It never gets its fill. It is damned to go on and on. I would have failed and then destined an illegitimate son of my own to the same fate.

But it is different now. Though darkness surrounds me, I can still call up the image of lovely Sango's face and the memory of all of her kindness and know I have discovered an ultimate truth. She is the reason for my salvation.

I do not know when, but the motivation for defeating Naraku has not been for revenge for quite some time now.

I suspect that I stopped fighting for the vanity of the dead and started fighting for the happiness of those who are still living at roughly the same time that I promised Sango a life together. I stopped looking for a woman to create a replacement for me and my father to avenge my grandfather's death and started looking for a partner and wife for my own future.

When I asked her to be with me and bear my children, I decided then that any children we had would have their own lives.

However, the likelihood that I will not survive to defeat Naraku grows. Sango is worried. I know she does not understand why I seemed so reckless, so willing to forfeit my life. With the clarity that comes from being so close to death, I wish I had the voice to explain to her that I am truly striving for life and not for death.

If I cannot live and give her a family, I will do what I can to preserve the family she does have. If it is within my power to save Kohaku, I will. If I am to die, I will die for the life and love of a family I feel honored to just have known. I will not recklessly throw my life away. But if I am to die, I will now do it for love and desire of family, not for revenge.

For what feels like the first time in my life, my motives are pure, yet the weight of Sango's last stare, wordless and pained, remains heavy on my soul.

I want to awaken. I want to explain myself. I know I have done wrong and I have hurt her. I only hope that I have done enough good that karma will allow me a long enough life to make up for my mistakes.

I hope that when I do regain consciousness, I still have this clarity of thought, this mastery of words that I have on this threshold of life. If not, if I forget or become distracted by noise of life once again, I hope Sango will understand anyway.

I hope I have changed enough to deserve a better life than my father had.

I hope for friendships and children and family and love.

If I cannot have that, then all I hope for is Sango's life and her future happiness.

END

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Author's Note: The title, "Cetana," comes from the Buddhist belief that karma refers to actions that spring from someone's _intention_, or cetana, which results in a consequence or result. According to Wikipedia: "Every time a person acts there is some quality of intention [cetana] at the base of the mind and it is that quality rather than the outward appearance of the action that determines its effect."

AN2: This was first published on the livejournal community mirsan_fics on April 23, 2010, under the prompt "Karma."


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